Monday, 5 October 2015

Dead flowers and constipation.


Dead flowers and constipation were all the rage in Rangoon when Oswald was stationed there. He didn't much care for the Generals and Colonels and secretly drank to their demise every time he lifted a glass at the Fitzgerald Club. What baffled him so much was how such a constipated society could continue to be all bound up when there was so much dysentery around. People complained of little else other than the state of the toilets and the scarcity of toilet paper when they met at the club, all very lavatorial.

The Earl of Ballymoney (Bertie Banks) was a regular at the Fitzgerald Club in Rangoon for many years, right up till it closed in the late 1970s. He was an odd sort of character, an embarrassment to his family, hence his exile to the outer reaches of the Empire. However when the British Empire suddenly shrunk in the 60s the Earl found himself all at sea in a country that turned against all things British, and all that was left to him was the Fitzgerald club.

The Generals tolerated the place partly because it was a convenient place for clandestine meetings with representatives of foreign governments with whom they officially had no dealings, but also because most of the Colonels enjoyed a good brandy.

So the Earl of Ballymoney lived out his sorry days in the dubious company of Colonels, diplomats and drunken reprobates till his money ran out and the staff would no longer indulge him. He only lasted a few days after that and now lies in an unmarked corner of the Fitzgerald graveyard in the grounds of the Club. Or so they say. Our family only acknowledge him if pressed on the matter.

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